Becoming Our Own Parents as We Age: When Rejection in Childhood Shapes Adult Care, Love, and Relationships
As we grow older, many of us notice a subtle but profound shift. We begin raising children, supporting partners, and eventually caring for aging parents. Along the way, we may hear familiar phrases coming out of our mouths or notice emotional reactions that feel inherited rather than chosen.
Psychologically, this is not accidental. Aging often activates what therapists call the inner parent—the part of us that knows how to care, soothe, protect, and guide. For people who grew up feeling accepted and safe, this inner parent can feel accessible and grounding. For those whose caregivers were rejecting or emotionally unsafe, this stage of life can bring unexpected pain, confusion, and relational strain.
How we internalize care and rejection
From early childhood, we learn not only how to be loved, but also whether we are allowed to be fully ourselves and still belong. These lessons become internal templates that shape our relationships throughout life.
Consider the experience of a gay child growing up with parents who are unable or unwilling to accept their sexual orientation. The rejection may not always be loud or overt. Sometimes it sounds like:
“We love you, but don’t talk about that.”
“This isn’t what we wanted for you.”
“We’ll accept you if you don’t make it public.”
Silence, avoidance, or emotional withdrawal
For a child, the message is often internalized as:
If I am fully myself, I risk losing love, safety, or belonging.
What happens to the inner parent when a child isn’t accepted
When parents are unable to accept a core part of who their child is, the child often grows up without a reliable internal model of unconditional care. Instead of developing an inner parent that says, You are safe. You are loved as you are, they may internalize something very different:
I need to hide parts of myself to be loved.
Care is conditional.
Belonging must be earned.
Later in life, when this person becomes a parent, partner, or caregiver to aging parents, the absence of a safe inner parent can become painfully clear.
Caring for aging parents who once rejected you
As an adult, caring for a parent who did not accept your sexual identity can stir deep emotional conflict. You may feel:
A sense of obligation mixed with resentment
Guilt for wanting distance
Confusion about boundaries
Old feelings of shame or invisibility resurfacing
Instead of caregiving feeling like a grounded adult choice, it may feel like returning to the role of a child still hoping (consciously or unconsciously) for acceptance.
This makes it difficult to “become your own parent,” because the original blueprint for care was tied to rejection rather than safety.
How this impacts adult relationships
When early love was conditional, adult relationships often carry that imprint:
Over-giving as a way to secure connection
Fear of being fully seen or known
Difficulty trusting that love will last
A belief that worth depends on usefulness or performance
Many LGBTQ+ adults find that they can intellectually understand that their parents’ limitations were not their fault, yet still struggle emotionally when intimacy, dependency, or caregiving is involved.
The work of becoming your own parent
Healing does not require reconciliation, forgiveness, or minimizing harm. What it does require is developing an internal source of care that was missing early on.
Becoming your own parent may involve:
Acknowledging the grief of not being fully accepted
Separating self-worth from parental approval
Learning to offer yourself protection, validation, and limits
Setting boundaries with aging parents that honor your emotional safety
Choosing relationships where your full identity is welcomed
For many people, this process unfolds slowly, often alongside therapy, supportive relationships, and intentional self-reflection.
Aging as a moment of reclaiming yourself
Aging doesn’t just bring loss, it brings opportunity. It offers a chance to decide:
What kind of care you give
What kind of care you accept
What kind of parent you become to your children, to others, and to yourself
For those who grew up with rejection, becoming your own parent can be a radical act:
I will offer myself the acceptance I didn’t receive. I will not require my own erasure to belong.
If caring for aging parents, navigating identity, or struggling with relationships feels heavier than it “should,” it may be a sign that old attachment wounds are being reactivated, not that you are failing.
Therapy can help untangle these layers and support the development of a steadier, kinder inner parent, one that allows you to age with integrity, self-respect, and connection.
LGBTQ therapy and aging, gay child parental rejection, inner parent healing, caregiving and family rejection, childhood trauma and adult relationships, therapy for gay men, emotional boundaries with parents
