Anxiety and the Illusion of Control: Learning to Live With the Dice We’re Given
By Dr. Z | Men’s Health Psychologist & Certified Sex Therapist
Every day, whether we notice it or not, we roll a set of dice.
Some of those dice represent choices we actively make: ending a relationship, leaving a job, committing to a goal, buying one product instead of another. Other dice are rolled for us: health, timing, loss, other people’s reactions, chance.
The combination of numbers we’re dealt shapes how we experience our lives. And more importantly, how we experience our emotions.
For many men, anxiety isn’t just about fear.
It’s about control.
The Need for Control
When we make decisions, it can feel like we’re controlling the dice.
I chose this.
I decided that.
I took action.
Those moments often bring a sense of relief. Perceived control can temporarily reduce stress and anxiety by calming the nervous system and increasing predictability.
But here’s the reality anxiety doesn’t want us to face:
Most of the dice are never fully in our hands.
Psychological research consistently links anxiety to intolerance of uncertainty. The difficulty accepting that outcomes are unpredictable and uncontrollable. The more we believe we should be able to prevent negative outcomes, the more anxious we become when life refuses to cooperate.
For men often socialized to be decisive, competent, and self-reliant, as a result, uncertainty can feel like weakness rather than a normal condition of being human.
Anxiety Is Less About Events and More About Meaning
Anxiety doesn’t come from what happens alone.
It comes from how we interpret what happens.
Cognitive psychology shows that emotions are shaped not by events themselves, but by the meanings we assign to them. Two people can roll the same dice and walk away with completely different emotional experiences.
One sees a setback as proof they’re failing.
Another sees it as information, timing, or redirection.
The dice didn’t change.
The story did.
Anxiety tightens its grip when the mind equates:
Uncertainty = danger
Lack of control = threat
Not knowing = failure
The Illusion That Keeps Anxiety Alive
Worry often feels productive.
Planning, analyzing, replaying scenarios, it feels like effort.
Chronic worry doesn’t prevent negative outcomes; it maintains anxiety by keeping the nervous system in a constant state of alert.
In other words:
Worry feels like control
But functions like fuel
The illusion isn’t that control exists, it’s that anxiety will disappear once control is achieved.
What We Actually Have Control Over
Here’s the shift that changes everything:
We don’t control the dice.
We control how we make sense of the roll.
Acceptance- and mindfulness-based research shows that psychological flexibility, the ability to experience uncertainty without needing to eliminate it, is one of the strongest predictors of emotional resilience and lower anxiety.
This doesn’t mean giving up.
It means redirecting effort:
From predicting outcomes → responding effectively
From eliminating anxiety → tolerating and understanding it
From controlling the future → choosing values in the present
You can live intentionally without needing guarantees.
Anxiety Is Not a Flaw—It’s a Signal
Anxiety often points to what matters:
Relationships
Responsibility
Purpose
Identity
Stability
The problem isn’t anxiety itself.
The problem is confusing uncertainty with danger and control with safety.
Learning to live with anxiety means rolling the dice, reading the numbers honestly, and responding with clarity instead of panic.
Living Well With the Dice
The most resilient men aren’t the ones who eliminate anxiety.
They’re the ones who accept uncertainty and act anyway.
They:
Make decisions aligned with values
Tolerate discomfort without rushing to fix it
Let anxiety exist without letting it run the show
Doing your best while accepting little to no control over the future isn’t passive.
It’s grounded.
It’s mature.
It’s strong.
That’s not giving up control.
That’s using the only control that truly exists.
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